Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.

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[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man

[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?


[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common


“I’ll have the Anti-sleeping Prescription”

“Sir, those are kids”

“Gimme two”


If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.


“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”

Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.


I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.


My wife likes to make love with Barry Manilow in the background. It’s as awkward for him as it is for me


For the first time in history, I have no idea what anyone is fighting about, but I 100% support all of you.


Seize the day. Take a nap. Knit a sweater. Rob a bank. Take another nap.