@DameSpunky

Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.

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@prufrockluvsong

[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man

[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?

@gojarbe

[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common

@Jedi_Daddy

“I’ll have the Anti-sleeping Prescription”

“Sir, those are kids”

“Gimme two”

@squirrel74wkgn

If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.

@aveuaskew

“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”

Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.

@BigHeb7

I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.

@brynnester

My wife likes to make love with Barry Manilow in the background. It’s as awkward for him as it is for me

@bleachontheside

For the first time in history, I have no idea what anyone is fighting about, but I 100% support all of you.

@delusions_of

Seize the day. Take a nap. Knit a sweater. Rob a bank. Take another nap.