Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
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My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Can’t stop laughing
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.