Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
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Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Start the year as you intend to continue.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy