Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary

Cop on other side: what is he doing

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You know you’re old when you see the neighbor’s dog chasing some punk teenagers & you root for the dog.


A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.


Judging people on Twitter is equivalent to an alcoholic showing up to an AA meeting and making fun of all the other drunks.


Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember

Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night


Me: I’ve decided to start a salon from home.
Also me: Hair just everywhere


Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*


How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:

1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items


When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.


Fun Prank: If someone leaves their car windows cracked cause it’s hot outside, start slipping unwrapped Kraft Singles in their car


Sometimes I miss my real friends and then I think, screw them, they don’t even star my tweets.