And then alcohol said “Put that on facebook, it’s hilarious.”
But alcohol was wrong.
So very wrong.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
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I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
When all else fails burn shit, people will forget how much of a failure you are when they see stuff on fire.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.