Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
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We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Very good news from my accountant
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.