so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
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Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Seems a bit forward
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
cause of death:
autopsy.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise