white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
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[first day as a restaurant owner]
*woman walks in with a dog*
me: sorry no dogs allowed-
me: -to leave
me: no dogs allowed to leave
me: *already petting dog* he’s mine now
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Answer : Mrs.Claus
Question : Who was the only person in history that was unhappy when Santa came early?
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom