him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
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I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*