me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we

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white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone


[first day as a restaurant owner]
*woman walks in with a dog*
me: sorry no dogs allowed-
her: really?
me: -to leave
her: what?
me: no dogs allowed to leave
her: but-
me: *already petting dog* he’s mine now


Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?

Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.


I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’


[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me


Answer : Mrs.Claus

Question : Who was the only person in history that was unhappy when Santa came early?


Officer: Did u know your back light is out

Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage


My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.


I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.


Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom