Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
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moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable