ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
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[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
so, is there a mister shapen head
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.