a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
You Might Also Like
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…