me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
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FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
They also CAN sing✌️
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me