I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
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[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
My nephew asked, ‘Do you have a New Years hangover today?’ I said, ‘No. Hangovers are for people who stop drinking’.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
In my 20’s – chases a martini with a tequila shot and some weed
In my 40’s – chases a multivitamin with a glass of milk so it doesn’t upset my stomach
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Apparently “mowing the lawn” means two completely different things to my wife and I
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”
– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.