Me, starting a diet:

7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit

9am: one slice of cake instead of two

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I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.


[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team


My nephew asked, ‘Do you have a New Years hangover today?’ I said, ‘No. Hangovers are for people who stop drinking’.


My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife


In my 20’s – chases a martini with a tequila shot and some weed

In my 40’s – chases a multivitamin with a glass of milk so it doesn’t upset my stomach


my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”


Apparently “mowing the lawn” means two completely different things to my wife and I


*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*

Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”


*turns TV off*

– me every time I watch Toy Story 3


Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.