Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
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SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
nice challenge
meanwhile over on facebook
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever