Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
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If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
(Electricians.)
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car