*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
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All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
You sure about that?
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Google Pay be like:
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
My favorite animal is fried chicken.