I did some self care this morning. Got up early, took vitamins, did situps, ordered a new liver from Amazon
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
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Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
I never wish death upon anybody who wrongs me.
I wish sudden, explosive diarrhea while on a date
Much more satisfying.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
I’ve been towing this guy around by a rope for years. When is he going to learn to do this by himself?
– dogs, maybe
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
Companies want “rockstar” employees, as rockstars are known for punctuality, even-tempers, and a desire to work in a corporate environment.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
Nerdy trick. Impress your friends by taking cube roots in your head
Step 1: memorise the following:
Step 2: get a friend to take a calculator and enter a 2 digit number and then cube that number and tell you the answer