@behindyourback

*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after

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@AbleLikes

I did some self care this morning. Got up early, took vitamins, did situps, ordered a new liver from Amazon

@notmythirdrodeo

Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.

He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.

@trims_the_fat

I never wish death upon anybody who wrongs me.

I wish sudden, explosive diarrhea while on a date

Much more satisfying.

@jakefromstfarm3

A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.

@ArfMeasures

T-REX *runs past me*

ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush

T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first

@UnFitz

I’ve been towing this guy around by a rope for years. When is he going to learn to do this by himself?

– dogs, maybe

@CulturedRuffian

I SCREAM,

YOU SCREAM,

WE ALL SCREAM,

BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO

WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!

@markleggett

Companies want “rockstar” employees, as rockstars are known for punctuality, even-tempers, and a desire to work in a corporate environment.

@hermanntrude

Step 1: memorise the following:

1³=1
2³=8
3³=27
4³=64
5³=125
6³=216
7³=343
8³=512
9³=729

Step 2: get a friend to take a calculator and enter a 2 digit number and then cube that number and tell you the answer