me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
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Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Follow me for more life hacks.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Awesome parenting 😂
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird