@PhilJamesson

me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!

soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”

me: what, like table salt?

soldier: ? why do you call it that

me:

soldier: Why do you call it that.

You Might Also Like

@Fred_Delicious

“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”

@cathisamazing

Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.

@rachelle_mandik

I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.

@yaseen_moi

I just passed my drug test. My dealer has some explaining to do.

@markhoppus

Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.

@mollymcnearney

Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.

@rockymomax

[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO

@NomDeBenoit

if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”