me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!

soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”

me: what, like table salt?

soldier: ? why do you call it that


soldier: Why do you call it that.

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“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”


Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.


I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.


I just passed my drug test. My dealer has some explaining to do.


Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.


Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.


[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*


if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”