Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
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If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*