Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
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Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants