@therealeatwood

ME: Stop hemming and hawing

DONKEY TAILOR: [with quiet dignity] Sir, you may take your business elsewhere

You Might Also Like

@d_duhwit

Neighbor: Hey I’m sick of your dog doing his business on my lawn.
Me: Ok, sorry. *Walks over to my dog’s lawn lemonade stand* Hey, I told you it has to be on our lawn.

@abbycohenwl

You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car

@OohSnapItsChris

My financial advisor told me that I could catch up on my bills if I stopped buying so much pizza.
We laughed and laughed.
Then I fired him.

@Its_Just_Reese

[summoning my first demon]

ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.

MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?

@cpsemple

Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.

@therepoguy

“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.

@plank_sinatra

My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”

@kelownagoose

My cape keeps getting caught in the wheels of my scooter, so don’t tell me about your problems.

@Tmoney68

[Job Interview]

Boss: What’s your biggest wea-

Me: Interrupting people.

@Robert_Beau

I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’