ME: Stop hemming and hawing

DONKEY TAILOR: [with quiet dignity] Sir, you may take your business elsewhere

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Neighbor: Hey I’m sick of your dog doing his business on my lawn.
Me: Ok, sorry. *Walks over to my dog’s lawn lemonade stand* Hey, I told you it has to be on our lawn.


You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car


My financial advisor told me that I could catch up on my bills if I stopped buying so much pizza.
We laughed and laughed.
Then I fired him.


[summoning my first demon]

ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.

MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?


Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.


“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.


My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*


My cape keeps getting caught in the wheels of my scooter, so don’t tell me about your problems.


[Job Interview]

Boss: What’s your biggest wea-

Me: Interrupting people.


I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’