Neighbor: Hey I’m sick of your dog doing his business on my lawn.
Me: Ok, sorry. *Walks over to my dog’s lawn lemonade stand* Hey, I told you it has to be on our lawn.
ME: Stop hemming and hawing
DONKEY TAILOR: [with quiet dignity] Sir, you may take your business elsewhere
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You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
My financial advisor told me that I could catch up on my bills if I stopped buying so much pizza.
We laughed and laughed.
Then I fired him.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
My cape keeps getting caught in the wheels of my scooter, so don’t tell me about your problems.
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’