I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
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STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
sliding into dms like
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!