Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
You Might Also Like
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
An odd boast
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…