me *stops crying*
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*

You Might Also Like


Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.


teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number

me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that


[inventor of teapot]

“I want this water to scream”


I’ve never seen a runner smiling.

So that’s all I need to know about that.


*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
*worm wiggles away*


5YO: did you go to camp as a kid?
GRANDMA: we were very lucky, we escaped France thru Great Britain
5: huh
G: what
ME: she didn’t go to camp


Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!

First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n

Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?

Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!

Captain: *sniff* Yarrr


Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.


Instagram is down! I’m freaking out! What are you people eating? How are your pets? What the hell is happening???


“Kids, are you asleep?”


*turns off the wifi*