me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
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popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
love pickles so much i put myself in one
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
peep davidson
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.