@iwearaonesie

me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*

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@Michael1979

Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.

@panmidwest

teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number

me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that

@HlessHman

[inventor of teapot]

“I want this water to scream”

@LeahsLounge

I’ve never seen a runner smiling.

So that’s all I need to know about that.

@flashember

*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*

@MUMSIEesq

5YO: did you go to camp as a kid?
GRANDMA: we were very lucky, we escaped France thru Great Britain
5: huh
G: what
ME: she didn’t go to camp

@Browtweaten

Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!

First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n

Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?

Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!

Captain: *sniff* Yarrr

@Marlebean

Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.

@theyearofelan

Instagram is down! I’m freaking out! What are you people eating? How are your pets? What the hell is happening???

@Sanbel11

“Kids, are you asleep?”

Kids:

*turns off the wifi*

MUUUUUUUUUUM