me *stops crying*
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*

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Waiter: can I take your order?

Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT


I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.


bae: come over

me: I can’t I’m in 16th century Japan

bae: im home alone



My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.


When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.


Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?

Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks

Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?


People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.


Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.