me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
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And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
This is a whole mood;
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Pikachu found the lost joint
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.