@armyVet1972

Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*

HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?

Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now

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@MadMimsy

They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.

Or bees.

@Robski_Boy

Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.

@SteveSuckington

The average person eats 8 spiders a year

*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”

@FakeWhimsy

No recovering from getting your arm stuck in a Pringles can on a first date.

@Jandalize

If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.

@TheAlexNevil

Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.

@Karissajem

Neighbors just got a pirate ship playhouse for their backyard. Drunk me has never been so excited.

@weirdralph

They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”

@Overdue_Bills

She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.