Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*

HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?

Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now

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They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.

Or bees.


Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.


The average person eats 8 spiders a year

*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*


No recovering from getting your arm stuck in a Pringles can on a first date.


If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.


Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.


Neighbors just got a pirate ship playhouse for their backyard. Drunk me has never been so excited.


They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”


She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.