Me: *stressed

My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?

Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.

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*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona


“So send me a picture of you…”


“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”


My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..


I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.


Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”


Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner!

[real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*


Husband: I love everything about you.

Me: Even my toe hair?

H: What toe hair?

Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.


The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.


Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?

Windows Explorer: who knows lol


When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.