*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
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“So send me a picture of you…”
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner!
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.