Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
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Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
no regrets
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
new career option?
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”