ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
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I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?