ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
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victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
[loses house key, starts a new life]
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March