ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
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I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope