ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
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Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
bought wrong eggs
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank