Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
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My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.