At the gym I go to there is a dumpy soft bodied dude who sits on the floor while his mega hot Instagram model gym girlfriend works out. They smile & talk to eachother but he never works out he just chills alone playing on his phone
Anyway he’s the most alpha dude at the gym 100%
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
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Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
A journey of a thousand miles
running back in the house for
something you forgot.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.