@BigJDubz

Me: Stuck on the crossword, 3 letters “scientific term for eggs”

Wife: It’s ova

Me: *Crying* Because I can’t do crosswords?

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@HomeWithPeanut

Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.

@CantWaitToNap

Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”

Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”

@Reverend_Scott

Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.

Therapist: why’s that?

Me: I got a dog.

@UniqueDude2

Enter new password
<glovebox>
Must contain number
<glovebox1>
Must contain PHONE number
<no>
Please 😉
<no u creep>
Password not recognized

@racistduck

Me: Got any bread?
Barman: No
Got any bread?
No
Got any bread?
No. Ask again, I nail your beak to the bar
Got any nails?
No
Got any bread?

@Deirdreocx

[First date]

“So, do you have any pets?”

Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.

“You have an albino crow?”

He prefers the term cawcasian.

@BunAndLeggings

I usually tell my toddler it’s nap time an 1hr before it’s nap time just so she thinks she’s winning at the I do one more thing game.

@Ten_Toes_7

Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.