Me: Stuck on the crossword, 3 letters “scientific term for eggs”

Wife: It’s ova

Me: *Crying* Because I can’t do crosswords?

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Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.


Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”

Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”


Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.

Therapist: why’s that?

Me: I got a dog.


Enter new password
Must contain number
Must contain PHONE number
Please 😉
<no u creep>
Password not recognized


Me: Got any bread?
Barman: No
Got any bread?
Got any bread?
No. Ask again, I nail your beak to the bar
Got any nails?
Got any bread?


[First date]

“So, do you have any pets?”

Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.

“You have an albino crow?”

He prefers the term cawcasian.


I usually tell my toddler it’s nap time an 1hr before it’s nap time just so she thinks she’s winning at the I do one more thing game.


Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.