@Ygrene

Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*

Wife: what are you doing

Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”

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@Reverend_Scott

DOG 911: what’s ur emer-

DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME

DOG 911: can you bite it?

DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

@Blarebare

The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Me: I should sleep.

Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.

@haleysfalling

[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings

@Love_bug1016

What, I’m Asian?

*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*

*buys a bonsai tree*

@T_Bonezzz

I like giving names to my furniture

Right now i’m chillin’ with Oscar the Couch

@philmann

DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened

@Dawn_M_

Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.

@itsallbollocks

couldn’t decide between consumed and ate so went with consummated, taking my donut love to a whole new level