
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame that they’ll never meet…
Siri, where are my pants?
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.