Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
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Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.