Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
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The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so long
she’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame that they’ll never meet…
Siri, where are my pants?
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.