Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*

Wife: what are you doing

Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”

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The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.


ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”


fellas, if your girl:

•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so long

she’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom


[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]


All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.

-lies parents tell themselves


I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.


Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame that they’ll never meet…


My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.