@Reverend_Scott DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
@Ygrene Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
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@Reverend_Scott 
@Blarebare The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
@OhNoSheTwitnt Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
@haleysfalling [showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
@Fred_Delicious 
@Love_bug1016 What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
@T_Bonezzz I like giving names to my furniture
Right now i’m chillin’ with Oscar the Couch
@philmann DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
@Dawn_M_ Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
@itsallbollocks couldn’t decide between consumed and ate so went with consummated, taking my donut love to a whole new level