WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
ME: *stuffs sock down my pants to impress my date*
DATE: I’m not that impressed
ME: I should have done it before you got here
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Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
And the Lord said to Peter “come forth and you will receive eternal life”.
But Peter came fifth and won a toaster.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
90% of parenting is just screaming at your kids to stop screaming.
Monica just destroyed the internet