What should you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant????
ME: *stuffs sock down my pants to impress my date*
DATE: I’m not that impressed
ME: I should have done it before you got here
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All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
On a scale from 1 – overweight black woman, how confident are you?
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
“Is it in a barn?”
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
[God inventing iguanas]
Maybe humans are done dealing with dinosaurs, but ants aren’t
Teaching my 9yo to sew. She’s going to make a great wife to someone in 1836.
I hate it when I mean to buy seedless grapes but instead I accidentally get…well you know…
that’s really how it is
[wife staring at my shirt]
Did you actually get any of that in your mouth?