Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
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*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
huge if true: the moon
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
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