@ArfMeasures

ME: *stuffs sock down my pants to impress my date*

DATE: I’m not that impressed

ME: I should have done it before you got here

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@PleaseBeGneiss

WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!

ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell

@TedOfficialPage

What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”

@_davidlucas_

If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.

@mommajessiec

Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!

Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!

Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year

@euanDroberts

And the Lord said to Peter “come forth and you will receive eternal life”.

But Peter came fifth and won a toaster.

@JB4Realz

me: my cup runneth over…

sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.

@Crunk_Jews

90% of parenting is just screaming at your kids to stop screaming.