ME: *stuffs sock down my pants to impress my date*

DATE: I’m not that impressed

ME: I should have done it before you got here

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All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”


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What should we call our new store?

“Will we sell pottery?”


“Is it in a barn?”


“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”

Hell, I love it Carl.


Me: I’m feeling short of breath.

Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?

Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.


[God inventing iguanas]
Maybe humans are done dealing with dinosaurs, but ants aren’t


Teaching my 9yo to sew. She’s going to make a great wife to someone in 1836.


I hate it when I mean to buy seedless grapes but instead I accidentally get…well you know…


[wife staring at my shirt]

Did you actually get any of that in your mouth?