Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
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I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Livid.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.