@fro_vo

Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*

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@thesulk

Of course this is the year I bring my famous Romaine pie to my in-laws.

@AnniemuMary

The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.

@BuckyIsotope

ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you

@ellewasamistake

me: i don’t like talking about myself

random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’

me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old

@JohnLyonTweets

*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*

Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.

@WhiskeySoured

If a bear is chasing you, don’t run. Be very still and tweet about it because you’re about to die.

@Tmoney68

Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.

@Paige__xxx

Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.

Coincidence?

@notalogin

My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.