Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
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An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
Me recordaron éste meme
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard