@fro_vo

Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*

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@AmandaRNH

Apple is releasing new product information today.

That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.

@radscientist_

I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed

@iwearaonesie

“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”

– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out

@BlindChow

“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”

But we’re in love!

“It is forbidden!”

*whale elopes with submarine*

@Darlainky

My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.

@Popehat

If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming

@awescar

Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”

@BunAndLeggings

Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS

Emergency training complete