Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
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I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
Emergency training complete