me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*

hot dog demon: not you again

You Might Also Like


A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture


My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.


*phone rings

Me: Hello?

Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?

Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!


Nobody in 1972 would have guessed that in 2014, Bill Cosby and Charles Manson would both be in the news, but Manson more favorably.


*gets in the bus*

*Brings out earphones*




Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?


I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?


5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?

Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.

5: Because Mom is scary?



Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.