me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
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*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.