ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
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If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Very problematic
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..