@Home_Halfway

ME: Sure is nice to be fishing in the ocean today

*do do do do*

FRIEND: What was that?

ME: What was what?

*do do do do*

FRIEND: THAT

ME: Oh god

*DO DO DO DO*

FRIEND: WE’RE SURROUNDED BY BABY SHARKS

ME: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH

*DO DO DO DO*

FRIEND: DO DO DO DO

ME: DO DO DO DO

You Might Also Like

@MoistPork

There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.

@Cheeseboy22

If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.

@online_shawn

I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks

@GrantTanaka

Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]

@GingerHotDish

Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.

Me: Red is the color of love tho.

@ShortSleeveSuit

Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math

Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached

@OllyiConic

kidnapper: we have your son

dad: his fault for staying out all night

kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom

dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been

kidnapper: he was

dad: on his phone probably

kidnapper: fast asleep

dad: i guarantee you he was faking it

@warhorse76

Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.

@Smooheed

Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*

@NotYourAunt_A

Woke up hearing my owl again. I continued to listen, and I heard another owl hoo-ing.

Since owls tend to mate for life, I thought “Aww.” Then I realized she was already telling him to STFU.