ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
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New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
Nothing.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Every time.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.