@AndrewsNotFunny

Me *swallows pride*

Baby lion: holy shit

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@markedly

Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES

@UncleDuke1969

“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”

@SortaBad

*cute bartender gives me back my credit card*
“No it’s cool, you keep it”

@lawyerthoughts

I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.

@markleggett

At the ripe old age of 900, in a universe inhabited by thousands of alien races, I bet Yoda had some pretty racist shit to say.

@handokotjung

How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight

3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.

@MichaelGoffLA

How long does a guest have to overstay before you can claim them on your taxes?

@WittySassBasket

To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.

@SamGrittner

If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?