Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
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“You called about a break-in?”
“Just some food.”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
*cute bartender gives me back my credit card*
“No it’s cool, you keep it”
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
At the ripe old age of 900, in a universe inhabited by thousands of alien races, I bet Yoda had some pretty racist shit to say.
How to be happier:
2. Lift weight
3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
How long does a guest have to overstay before you can claim them on your taxes?
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?