Me *swallows pride*

Baby lion: holy shit

Me *swallows pride*

Baby lion: holy shit

- @AndrewsNotFunny

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Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.


“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know


ME: WOW! Bigfoot!
BIGFOOT: Hey Smallfoot
M: U call us Smallfoot?
BF: U have small feet
M: no, urs r big
BF: mine r normal
M: huh
BF: see ya


My wife’s signature move is asking me a question then turning on the faucet when I answer.


You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now


Her: Did you hear that eating curry can get rid of bad memories?

Me: So I should take you out for Indian AFTER we have sex?


Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.


[Friend opens Christmas present]
Me: It’s a lie detector
Friend: Oh… I love it
Me: (whispering) we’ll see


2yo: daddy play with me!

Me: okay!!

2yo: *points* sit right here.

Me: okay.


Me: okay.


Me: okayyyyyyy.