@AndrewsNotFunny

Me *swallows pride*

Baby lion: holy shit

Me *swallows pride*

Baby lion: holy shit

- @AndrewsNotFunny

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@Manda_like_wine

Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.

@Thynebear

“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know

@UniqueDude2

ME: WOW! Bigfoot!
BIGFOOT: Hey Smallfoot
M: U call us Smallfoot?
BF: U have small feet
M: no, urs r big
BF: mine r normal
M: huh
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@yonewt

My wife’s signature move is asking me a question then turning on the faucet when I answer.

@JustinGuarini

You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now

@HairyJew4Life

Her: Did you hear that eating curry can get rid of bad memories?

Me: So I should take you out for Indian AFTER we have sex?

@DurtMcHurtt

Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.

@ruinedpicnic

[Friend opens Christmas present]
Me: It’s a lie detector
Friend: Oh… I love it
Me: (whispering) we’ll see

@daddydoubts

2yo: daddy play with me!

Me: okay!!

2yo: *points* sit right here.

Me: okay.

2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!

Me: okay.

2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!

Me: okayyyyyyy.