Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
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<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
mariah carrie
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”