Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}

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Dear Autocorrect,

She’s an amazing woman not an amazon woman.


And now I’m never getting laid.


A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.


Worst thing about being born on April Fools Day is that nobody takes you seriously. Even my parents were in denial for the first 47 years.


Dad: This note from your calligraphy teacher is very concerning… and stunningly beautiful


My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.


My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.

If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.


Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.


Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.