@FredTaming

Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
 
Him: don’t you mean desert?
 
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}

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@Crunk_Jews

Dear Autocorrect,

She’s an amazing woman not an amazon woman.

Thanks.

And now I’m never getting laid.

@MittenDAmour

A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.

@realHamOnWry

Worst thing about being born on April Fools Day is that nobody takes you seriously. Even my parents were in denial for the first 47 years.

@ThaJawn

Dad: This note from your calligraphy teacher is very concerning… and stunningly beautiful

@Darlainky

My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.

@Parkerlawyer

My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.

If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.

@13spencer

[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.

@heyevergreen

Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.