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1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
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Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
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A friend that steals your tortilla chips is nacho friend.