me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
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I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep