@aotakeo

me: sweet chainmail

knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you

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@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?

Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.

4: Mom’s not home.

Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*

@KeetPotato

“this has never happened before”
is that a yes or no?
“let me check”
[talks into radio]
“steve can we let a dog on the rollercoaster?”

@imteddybless

something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care

@HeyJennyLeone

Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.

@HomeWithPeanut

New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?

Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.

New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?

Me: So far? 4 years.

@JohnLyonTweets

Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.

@chrisdelia

I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.

@Twtercide

Relationship status

Karate chopping hand holding couples’ hands apart at the mall

@kharizzmaaa

Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs

@RexHuppke

“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party