@aotakeo

me: sweet chainmail

knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you

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@Iwriteforcats

[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.

@nachosarah

IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER

@Iwriteforcats

Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.

@Gupton68

Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.

@david8hughes

[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?

@ThisLocalHater

People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes

@curlycomedy

If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?

@TomSchally

The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.

@MrAdamBez

A friend that steals your tortilla chips is nacho friend.