me: sweet chainmail

knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you

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4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?

Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.

4: Mom’s not home.

Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*


“this has never happened before”
is that a yes or no?
“let me check”
[talks into radio]
“steve can we let a dog on the rollercoaster?”


something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care


Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.


New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?

Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.

New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?

Me: So far? 4 years.


Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.


I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.


Relationship status

Karate chopping hand holding couples’ hands apart at the mall


Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs


“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party