@Dustinkcouch
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news ๐
doctor: hahahaha ๐
me: i’ll be here all week haha ๐
doctor: haha give or take
@sonictyrant
me: *swimming in nile* u dont think there are any alligators in here right
friend: no
me: *eaten alive by crocodiles*
friend: alligators aren’t indigenous to africa
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@Dustinkcouch
@Henry_3000
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
@Darlainky
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
@momsense_ensues
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
@RealJinjaNinja
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
@BastardProphet
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
@Parkerlawyer
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
@PleaseBeGneiss
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a childrenโs ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
@longwall26
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
@MarijuanaViews
*hits blunt*
