@sonictyrant

me: *swimming in nile* u dont think there are any alligators in here right

friend: no

me: *eaten alive by crocodiles*

friend: alligators aren’t indigenous to africa

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@Dustinkcouch

doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news

me: better than having fox news ๐Ÿ˜‰

doctor: hahahaha ๐Ÿ™‚

me: i’ll be here all week haha ๐Ÿ™‚

doctor: haha give or take

@Henry_3000

Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.

@Darlainky

Take a selfie with me one last time

-the sign on my casket

@momsense_ensues

3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.

Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?

@RealJinjaNinja

Three steps to start a relationship.

1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.

@Parkerlawyer

According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[gates of Valhalla]

ODIN: did you die in battle?

[flashback to me suffocating in a childrenโ€™s ninja turtle costume]

ME: ya

@longwall26

If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”