Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
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The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
I feel seen.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
the red hot silly peppers
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes