I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
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I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?
There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Robber: KEEP YOUR HANDS UP OR I’LL SHOOT EVERY ONE OF YOU!
*Friends theme begins to play over PA*
*Everyone sweats nervously*
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
I: Your office will be next to mine.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Cinderella: thanks for finding my shoe 🙂
Prince: no problem. will u marry me
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices