@ThugRaccoons

Me: *Swimming with dolphins*

Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?

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@MonSwanson

I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.

I’m a psycho, grandma.

@TheToddWilliams

I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…

@TwinSurvivalist

After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.

@SteveKoehler22

Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?

There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.

@ArfMeasures

Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?

Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?

@lyric_intent

[Bank Robbery]
Robber: KEEP YOUR HANDS UP OR I’LL SHOOT EVERY ONE OF YOU!
*Friends theme begins to play over PA*
*Everyone sweats nervously*

@mooses_mom_mar

Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?

Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.

I: Your office will be next to mine.

@PinkCamoTO

H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?

Me: I can’t afford a face lift.

@jazz_inmypants

Cinderella: thanks for finding my shoe 🙂

Prince: no problem. will u marry me

@HaydenKristal

Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices