Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
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Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
“OMGJK” -atheists
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
The prophecy is fulfilled
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
The old gods are rising again.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Can’t stop laughing
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.