Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
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Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
🤔😂😂
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
handsome & gretel
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.