ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
You Might Also Like
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.