@batkaren

ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?

HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.

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@shegotagronk

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.

@TweetPotato314

date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens

me: OMG!

date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two

me: phew

date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you

@LitSpud

[robbing a bank]

accomplice: nice pantyhose

me: thanks

accomplice: on your face next time tho ok

@noog

Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”

@Brentweets

“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”

@TheBoydP

“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”

Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza

@tone765

America: Japanese ads are extremely weird

Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*

@HomeWithPeanut

My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.

@tucker_doherty

Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.