ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
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GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.