Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
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date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
‘Take this and your life will suck differently.’
~ pharmaceutical ads