@batkaren

ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?

HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.

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@LittleMissAngr1

One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.

@murrman5

where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?

@1MeLrO

I only feel really dirty when I go to the grocery store now.

@junejuly12

I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.

@Eves1

Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?

@maughammom

The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.

@HlessHman

Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weird

Walking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)

@Eden_Eats

Hey men, don’t be fooled by maxipad commercials.

Ladies aren’t really full of blue windshield washer fluid.

@bazecraze

Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys