ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
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Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.