me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
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I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast