I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
You Might Also Like
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
💻🤡
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.