Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
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Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?