Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
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Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Hot hot hot 🥵
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*